Boundaries, Baby.

I can handle it

Every time I’ve struggled with a boundary issue at work, it’s been because I’m a highly competent person. Truly! I can and will get shit done. I refuse to not succeed at work.

If you are capable, emotionally perceptive, and able to see around corners, people will pick up on it. They’ll start going to you first with their half-baked ideas, initiatives they're unsure of how to implement, and interpersonal dumpster fires. And if you’re in Human Resources, you’ll also become the default owner of every difficult conversation leaders don’t want to have themselves. Maybe it’s a messy performance issue or a poorly thought-out restructuring. You’ll be the one expected to help it make sense, clean it up, and ensure it doesn’t blow back on them (or, if it does, you’ll also be expected to provide cover for that blowback).

At first, this kind of thing can feel pretty good. It’s flattering when people trust you, and maybe it feels like your bubble of influence is growing. Except after a while, that newfound “respect” can start to feel a bit suffocating.

It doesn’t feel very flattering when responsibility for outcomes sits with you, but you didn’t have any say in shaping them. It’s pretty eye-opening when you realize that a significant amount of your time is being spent managing the interpersonal ripple effects of choices you didn’t make. Suddenly, you find yourself responding to a ‘quick question’ at 8:53 p.m., and before you know it, you’re editing someone else’s shitty presentation draft from your phone in bed with Netflix paused.

Silly, little things I’ve told myself:

• Once this project is over, things will go back to normal

• As soon as this new hire is onboarded, my workload will feel manageable again

• I’m just going to prep the presentation for him, then he can do the rest

• Next time, I’ll say I don’t have the bandwidth

• It’ll be faster if I just do it myself

Resentment, for me, shows up physically. My eye starts to twitch when I get another request for help with something that I know the requester can easily do themselves. When I hear myself saying “yes” to something I know damn well should be a “no,” I literally break out in hives (This is a real thing → chronic urticaria. I’ve suffered from it most of my life and was even fortunate enough to land the nicknames David Hive-Pierce and Hivey Locklear from my lovely family.)

It also shows up as me hopping on LinkedIn to see what the job market is looking like these days. Dead-ass, I would rather look for another job than say no. But I also know enough to understand that this is an “It’s not you, it’s me” problem.

Resentment can be an indicator that responsibility and authority are out of alignment. If you’re accountable for how something lands but not empowered to meaningfully influence the decision itself, you’ll start to feel the strain.

In Theory…

In theory, declining work should be straightforward. It should sound something like, “If this is a priority, we’ll need to move something else.”

Simple. Clear. Very grown-up, non?

And yet, in practice, it doesn’t feel as easy for some. If you’re reading this and thinking, “What are you talking about? I do this all the time with no issues. ” Then I’m not talking to you, am I? Get out of here with your perfect, hive-free life. Go on… git! This is for Team Hive and those of us who struggle with boundaries, amongst, I’m assuming, many other things.

Okay, where was I?

Work is not only about output. It’s also about belonging, credibility, and perceived value. Being responsive signals commitment, and being accommodating signals that you’re easy to work with.

For people whose legitimacy in a space has required effort to establish, the stakes can feel higher. Refusing a request can feel like risking being seen as collaborative or invested.

This is why boundaries frequently come with a side of apology. Limits are softened, over-explained. A personal favourite is: “I’m so sorry, it’s just been a crazy week.”

That’s not a “no,” that’s a delayed “yes.”

We do this because we’re stuck thinking about how the relationship might change if we decline. It’s about perceived relational consequences.

• Will this change how someone sees me? Or how they’ll treat me?

• Will this affect future opportunities?

• Will this confirm a narrative about me that I’m already working against?

These are not irrational concerns. They are adaptive responses to environments where how you’re perceived can shape what opportunities you’re given next.

One example of many

I was already flat out at work when a colleague (technically, my superior) asked me to review the first draft of a presentation she was working on.

I didn’t want to say no because apparently I’m allergic to it, but also because she was my superior. And also because when I had tried to say no in the past, I’d been met with, “It’ll be super quick, I just need your eyes on it,” or “You’re so much better at this type of thing than I am.”

So I said yes, and to my dismay, the “first draft” was basically bare bones. This was a presentation representing our entire department, it was due Monday, and it’s...checks watch…Friday, 3:47 pm.

After getting my own work done first, I dug in. What was supposed to be a quick review turned into building the whole damn thing. I spent most of that weekend in between family commitments, hammering it out. I didn’t show up well for my family, and that's time I can never get back, spent on a presentation I was given zero credit for.

What boundaries actually do

A boundary does not have to be a big deal to be effective. At its core, a boundary communicates a constraint, and constraints exist whether or not they’re acknowledged. There will always be limits to time, energy, influence, and scope. When those limits remain implicit, they become distorted. Work fills whatever capacity isn’t clearly defined, and so expectations grow accordingly.

When you articulate a boundary, you make a constraint visible.

The problem with “I’m so sorry, it’s just been a crazy week” is that it frames the issue as temporary chaos instead of structural capacity. It reassures the other person that the system is fine, you’re just overwhelmed right now, implying that under different circumstances, you would, of course, take this on!

When you say something like, “I don’t have capacity for this unless we move X,” or “This sits outside my role, who should own it?” you’re doing something different. You’re not apologizing for your limits, you’re speaking to capacity, not emotion.

Now, I’m not saying this will be comfortable. If you’re not used to saying no, it will feel SO WEIRD. You might want to fill the silence, or soften the message by adding context, or even try to solve the problem you just declined.

Let the response marinate for a bit. You’ve said enough.

At the end of the day, you’ve just exposed a system that has been relying on invisible accommodation, probably, for, like, ever. That can take a moment to sink in. And if they’re used to you being the person who always says “yes,” give them a sec to meet the new you.

The organizational consequence of overextension

When HR professionals consistently take on overflow, organizations lose important feedback. Under-resourcing goes unexamined because deadlines are still met, so… where’s that capacity problem you’re talking about? Vague strategy seems workable because someone filled in the gaps. Leaders remain insulated from the operational consequences of their choices.

From the outside, everything appears functional. Internally, one or two people are carrying disproportionate weight. Over time, this pattern reshapes the role itself. HR becomes the “Misc.” department.

If the goal is to influence systems instead of continuously stabilizing them, boundaries ain’t optional. And if boundaries are structural tools, not personality traits, then you need a way to assess when they’re required.

In Practice

Here are 3 tools I use when I feel that eye twitch coming on.

1. The Audit

When something lands on your plate, ask:

• Am I responsible for the outcome?

• Do I have influence over the decision that shapes it?

• Do I have the authority to say no to it?

• Will I be held accountable if this fails?

• Am I getting pulled in too early, or when things are messy?

Watch for these patterns - they’re all red flags:

Responsibility + Accountability - Authority = boundary needed
Involved late + Expected to fix = structural issue
“It’ll be faster if I just do it” = high-performer reflex

2. The Yes Tax

Before you say yes, calculate the tax.

• How many hours will this actually take?

• What gets moved because of this?

• Who absorbs the impact: your team, your family, your sleep?

Is the tax worth the return? Every yes costs something… You need to decide whether you’re willing to pay.

3. The Repeat Pattern Test

Before stepping in, ask: “If I say yes to this, am I helping or setting a precedent?”

Make sure you’re not building the pattern you resent.

You have to open your mouth, though

Theory is nice, audit tools are helpful. But eventually you do actually have to set the boundary. Personally, I find it easiest to have a few go-to phrases ready that I can assign as needed. Below are some real responses I have written in the back of my notebook (yes, seriously).

Them: “Can you just take a quick look?”

Me: “I can give you five minutes. Depending on what’s there, I may not be able to go deeper.” or “I can skim it now, but I won’t be able to rework it.”

Them: “Can you fix this? It’s due Monday.”

Me: “I can review it, but I won’t be able to rebuild it.” or “Considering the time crunch, what impact can I realistically have?”

Them: “Can you just oversee this for now?”

Me: “If I’m going to be accountable for it, I need clarity on authority.”

Them: “Can you join this meeting?”

Me: “If there’s a specific agenda item for me, I’m in. Otherwise, I’ll catch the notes.”

Them: “You’re better at this than I am.”

Me: “I can help you think it through, or give you some tips, but I’m not taking it over.”

Them: “Can you talk to them? They’ll listen to you.”

Me: “I can help you prepare, but that conversation needs to come from you.”

Them: “Can you get this back to me tonight?”

Me: “No, not tonight. The soonest I can get it to you is (insert more realistic timeline here).” or “No, that won’t work for me.”

Them: “It’ll be faster if you just do it.”

The Response: “I disagree.” Then stop talking. It’s scary…it also works.

And sometimes, the response is as simple as:

• “That won’t work.”

• “I’m going to decline.”

• “I don’t have capacity for that.”

• “Thanks for thinking of me, but no.”

Power, context, and judgment

Boundary-setting doesn’t occur in a vacuum. Context, culture, and power dynamics matter. There are environments where direct refusal carries significant risk. There are roles where formal authority is limited and informal influence is still developing. There are moments when a boundary needs to be phased instead of flat-out declared.

Sometimes, the boundary is internal: declining to volunteer, allowing natural consequences to unfold, limiting after-hours responsiveness, clarifying expectations in writing.

Sometimes it’s informational: documenting concerns, signalling risk early, ensuring that ambiguity is not mistaken for agreement.

And sometimes, the boundary is a broader realization that the system itself may not support sustainable engagement.

The first time you hold a clear line, your body may register it as risk. Your heart rate might go up, you might break out in hives. You might even replay the conversation on a loop in the shower. Those kinds of responses don’t mean the boundary was wrong. This is your nervous system registering uncertainty. You disrupted a familiar pattern, and anything unfamiliar can feel like risk at first.

Over time, it gets easier. Colleagues will adapt. They will. And your “yes” regains the weight it deserves.

In HR, this change has the potential to redefine the entire function. Instead of absorbing everything to preserve comfort, you begin to participate in designing more realistic expectations. Instead of smoothing over structural strain, you help make it visible.

Pay attention to the signals in your own body. If you notice chronic strain and/or recurring irritation, treat that information seriously. It may be pointing to the edge of your responsibility…the edge that deserves to be defined intentionally rather than crossed by default.

Unlocking the ability to say no is a game-changer in a very grown-ass adult way. Boundaries are opulent.

Next time your eye twitches, don’t ignore it. Set boundaries and watch the world keep spinning. Freedom compounds. Saying no is about trusting yourself. Your capacity is real. You don’t have to earn your seat at the table by overextending yourself. And maybe you don’t want a seat at their boring-ass table anyway. That’s okay, too.

When responsibility and authority are aligned, work feels different. You show up better, you sleep better. You’re not editing presentations from your phone in bed.

And if you need help navigating a boundary situation at work, send me a message, and I’ll feature it in an upcoming Dear Uncompliant post.