It’s a people pleaser’s idea of hell, not being helpful 🫤 I’ve practiced responding to any requests with the starting phrase “if I can…” which buys me time to review the ask and immediately sets the scene for a potential no. I’m still a work in progress, because, you know, it’s been an absolutely crazy week 🤣 Every. Flipping. Week.
It really is hell. Especially when you’ve been the go-to person for most of your adult life. I’m sure a therapist would have a lot to say about this post 🤣
The older I get, the more I love the word no. My best read Substack article about work is on the topic of boundaries. We definitely need more discussion about them!
I think i am your fastest reader. Luckily I have no issues with the word NO as well as setting boundaries. I will fight you if need be :D But it is interesting to see the struggle of the other party, you know, for the next time I am the vilian in the story and try to take over somebody else time !!!
You know what’s interesting, setting boundaries is the number one thing employees come to me for help with! It’s on of those things where I want to say, “you are sooo asking the wrong person here” 😂
🤣🤣🤣 we have this saying in my place “still waters run deep” you might not be very vocal, but have the energy of stability and confidence that attracts your colleagues :)
Thank you for writing this Jennifer. Even though I don't come out in hives I do get the sporadic twitch when I put my hand up once again to do someone else's job. However, when I read your article through a second time, it really made me think about how I could also treat some of my colleagues better. For example, there are a couple of people in finance who I know are really competent, and so I lean on them for certain requests. It now dawns on me that probably everybody leans on those people because they are competent, and so in a way I'm just as guilty as the people who pass work on to me. Thank you for helping me see this and for realising that I should probably reach out to other people rather than just Lenny and Carl (not their real names) for help with payroll!
I love everything about this. Learning to set boundaries is a skill that doesn't come naturally to so many of us. But once youve nailed it, that's when you protect your time and also protect yourself from burnout.
I love the way you write - it feels like a conversation! And this one is one I've had with HR colleagues before. Yes, let's exercise and verbalize our boundaries! Without them, you're contributing to the already-growing cluster at work.
Jennifer, great post. You see and have clearly lived this pattern for some time. High competence attracts overflow. Overflow creates misalignment. Misalignment breeds resentment. Resentment signals authority and responsibility are out of sync.
The physical and mental toll you describe is real.
Your section on boundaries was spot on and hard earned, I imagine. In my travels over the years, sometimes we win the battles but lose the war. We get the project done, we preserve credibility, we keep the machine running, but if we stay attached to the reward loop of being the fixer, the pattern quietly persists.
For me, the hardest part wasn’t learning the language of boundaries. It was detaching from the identity payoff that came with being indispensable. Curious how you think about that layer?
This reminds me so much of the myth of work-life 'blend' vs. work-life 'balance', and how hard some org leaders were pushing for a transition from one to the other during the pandemic. It's just pure nonsense. I had a leader once who posed it as, "Matt has very strong opinions about employee-employer matters". Yeah, so does your offer letter guys. Jennifer's laid it out beautifully here - that saying 'no' isn't an obfuscation of responsibility, sometimes it's a reinforcement of it.
This resonates. I told myself all those little things too...For years...Until, well, burnout! And then I went self-employed thinking it would somehow solve it, right? Wrong! Multiple clients, unspoken expectations and the need to continuously prove myself in situations where I had responsibility but very little authority. I think part of the problem is, in large organisations, it's not that straightforward to identify who is truly responsible, who makes the decisions and who is ultimately accountable. And if you find yourself in the wrong place at the wrong time, you'll be the fall guy. For me, setting boundaries now is about not making myself the safe person to blame...And calling out systemic dysfunction.
It’s a people pleaser’s idea of hell, not being helpful 🫤 I’ve practiced responding to any requests with the starting phrase “if I can…” which buys me time to review the ask and immediately sets the scene for a potential no. I’m still a work in progress, because, you know, it’s been an absolutely crazy week 🤣 Every. Flipping. Week.
It really is hell. Especially when you’ve been the go-to person for most of your adult life. I’m sure a therapist would have a lot to say about this post 🤣
I’ve been regaling my therapist with these traumas for months now 🤣
The hives 🙈
Having boundaries and communicating them is *an art*
Thanks for the lesson !
The older I get, the more I love the word no. My best read Substack article about work is on the topic of boundaries. We definitely need more discussion about them!
It’s definitely getting a bit easier for me as I get older. I still have my moments, though.
When accountability sits with you but control doesn’t, strain is inevitable.
I think i am your fastest reader. Luckily I have no issues with the word NO as well as setting boundaries. I will fight you if need be :D But it is interesting to see the struggle of the other party, you know, for the next time I am the vilian in the story and try to take over somebody else time !!!
You know what’s interesting, setting boundaries is the number one thing employees come to me for help with! It’s on of those things where I want to say, “you are sooo asking the wrong person here” 😂
🤣🤣🤣 we have this saying in my place “still waters run deep” you might not be very vocal, but have the energy of stability and confidence that attracts your colleagues :)
Yesss!
Thank you for writing this Jennifer. Even though I don't come out in hives I do get the sporadic twitch when I put my hand up once again to do someone else's job. However, when I read your article through a second time, it really made me think about how I could also treat some of my colleagues better. For example, there are a couple of people in finance who I know are really competent, and so I lean on them for certain requests. It now dawns on me that probably everybody leans on those people because they are competent, and so in a way I'm just as guilty as the people who pass work on to me. Thank you for helping me see this and for realising that I should probably reach out to other people rather than just Lenny and Carl (not their real names) for help with payroll!
I love everything about this. Learning to set boundaries is a skill that doesn't come naturally to so many of us. But once youve nailed it, that's when you protect your time and also protect yourself from burnout.
Boundaries, baby 👏🏾
The funny thing is, the clearer you are, the less drama you have to manage later. In my world, unclear boundaries turn into investigations. 😅🫠
I love the way you write - it feels like a conversation! And this one is one I've had with HR colleagues before. Yes, let's exercise and verbalize our boundaries! Without them, you're contributing to the already-growing cluster at work.
Jennifer, great post. You see and have clearly lived this pattern for some time. High competence attracts overflow. Overflow creates misalignment. Misalignment breeds resentment. Resentment signals authority and responsibility are out of sync.
The physical and mental toll you describe is real.
Your section on boundaries was spot on and hard earned, I imagine. In my travels over the years, sometimes we win the battles but lose the war. We get the project done, we preserve credibility, we keep the machine running, but if we stay attached to the reward loop of being the fixer, the pattern quietly persists.
For me, the hardest part wasn’t learning the language of boundaries. It was detaching from the identity payoff that came with being indispensable. Curious how you think about that layer?
This reminds me so much of the myth of work-life 'blend' vs. work-life 'balance', and how hard some org leaders were pushing for a transition from one to the other during the pandemic. It's just pure nonsense. I had a leader once who posed it as, "Matt has very strong opinions about employee-employer matters". Yeah, so does your offer letter guys. Jennifer's laid it out beautifully here - that saying 'no' isn't an obfuscation of responsibility, sometimes it's a reinforcement of it.
This resonates. I told myself all those little things too...For years...Until, well, burnout! And then I went self-employed thinking it would somehow solve it, right? Wrong! Multiple clients, unspoken expectations and the need to continuously prove myself in situations where I had responsibility but very little authority. I think part of the problem is, in large organisations, it's not that straightforward to identify who is truly responsible, who makes the decisions and who is ultimately accountable. And if you find yourself in the wrong place at the wrong time, you'll be the fall guy. For me, setting boundaries now is about not making myself the safe person to blame...And calling out systemic dysfunction.